Dating with Purpose

A Different Perspective

I know what you're thinking. What does a 24 year old dude who's been single practically his whole life know about dating? Well when you put it like that, not much. If you were to add all my relationships, or "situationships" together, it wouldn't even equal 2 years. To be honest, my first real relationship would be the one that I'm in right now, which has been going on for 6 months. In the eyes of the world, many wouldn't even call this relationship a real relationship. They would call it weird. They would call it elementary. They would say that we're crazy, and even laugh in our face. Why? Because we're courting each other, or how I like to put it—dating with purpose.

So what exactly is dating with purpose and why would it be considered weird? Dating with purpose is to date with an end goal of marriage. And while most people would say that being married is the ultimate goal in their relationship (if all things work out), dating with purpose makes that the ultimate goal right from the start. It's when you sit down with the person that you have a high interest with and talk about what you want out of the relationship before the relationship even starts. Ok that’s a little weird, but not that weird. Well, that’s just part of the equation. I forgot to add that during our courting stage, sex isn’t involved at all in our relationship. 

What?!?!?! You buggin! How can you possibly be in a serious relationship without having sex? It’s the most important part of a relationship. If there’s no sex, what’s the point? 

And this is the part where people stop reading; hear me out though! Sex is extremely important, which is why me and my girlfriend are treating it with the utmost care.

There’s many reasons why a couple can choose not to have sex until they get married. My girlfriend and I made the choice not to have sex because we wanted to honor God with our relationship (1 Cor 6:19-20 & 1 Thes 4:3-5). What does that mean? As crazy as it sounds, the Bible talks about sex a lot. And as even more crazy as it sounds, the scriptures about sex in the Bible aren’t scriptures talking about sex being bad. God loves sex and he wants you to have a lot of it (1 Cor 7:3-4), in its proper form. The proper form to have sex is by being married (1 Cor 7:1-2 & 1 Cor 7:8-9). We wanted God to be at the center of the relationship. We wanted everything else to fall in after that.

Even if we take the spiritual aspect of sex away from the equation for a moment, waiting until marriage to have sex can still be beneficial. Sex is the most intimate you can get in a relationship. Going after that too soon can be detrimental. It might not seem that way at first, but in the long run it could have drastic effects. When you have sex with your significant other for the first time, that’s all that you’re gonna want to do after that. Instead of pursuing to get to know each other better, the only thing you’re really trying to pursue are the cheeks. Going to the movies is replaced with Netflix and chill. Choosing to go on an adventurous date is replaced with, I wonder what adventurous position we can do next? Now that’s not always the case. Couples definitely do more than that. I’m just saying by avoiding it, you can really get to know your partner better. I know for a fact when I get married and my wife gets old and wrinkly, or loses her teeth, or loses her hair, or gets fat (hopefully none of these things will ever happen lol), I’m still gonna have an amazing relationship with her. I know that because I was able to have great conversations and joke around and enjoy life with her during our courting stage. When a lot of people's relationships are based off of looks and sex, they usually end up leaving the person when appearances aren’t the same or body parts stop functioning like they used to. Beauty and looks are just a temporary thing (Proverbs 31:30). By also waiting, I believe that sex in marriage will be better. The honeymoon will be ridiculous. You’re at some exotic beach with your bestfriend experiencing a whole new world. I doubt the experience will be nearly as magical by not waiting. And while intimacy and sex tends to fade away after the honeymoon stage, I'm willing to bet that the fire will burn longer for those that decided to wait.

People and Their Opinions

People like to respond with, “You have to test drive it before you buy it,” when it comes to waiting until marriage to have sex. You gotta see if there’s any chemistry between the two of you. If the sex ain’t right, we ain’t right. It’s an excellent analogy! How many people buy a car without testing it out first? You wanna see if it operates right. You wanna to see if you’re gonna be able to handle it. You wanna see if you’re gonna be comfortable driving it and if it’s gonna last. As great of an analogy it is, there’s flaws in it. Are you still driving the first car you bought? The car you’re driving now, do you plan on keeping it forever? Probably not. Test driving it didn’t make the car last longer. You can have all the sex you want while you’re in the dating stage, that doesn’t mean your marriage will last forever.  A better analogy would be to compare it to buying your dream house. In most cases you can’t “test live” in a house before you buy it. You can take tours of the house and talk with the current homeowner, but that’s about it. And unlike a car, most people keep their dream home forever. So if you can make a long term decision like that without living in it first, why can’t you put that same trust in your relationship and hold off on sex?

Throughout this process, seeing people’s reactions is the thing that’s entertaining the most. Women usually respond with a, “Awww girl, I wish I would have a waited!” While men usually respond with a head shake and a, “Brooo you wylin!!!” The women want that innocence back. The men simply think you’re acting like a woman. For the women out there, it’s not too late. I’m not a virgin, but I’m waiting now. For the men, it’s really not hard to get some. It’s way harder to fight the urge not to have sex than it is to find someone to have sex with. This is a sex infused world. You can find someone to have sex with at the click of a button. So miss me with that soft talk.

It Takes Discipline

Aight I hear you dude, but it’s not that simple. Sex has always been in my relationships. How can I just push the stop button on that? What can I do not to give in to it? Trust me I understand completely. It’s like with any other goal you wanna accomplish—you gotta be disciplined, you gotta set boundaries. The night I asked my girl to be my girlfriend, we both agreed to not only be celibate, but to not kiss until our wedding day. BROOOOO!!!! You are out of this world insane! You are doing THE MOST! Yes it is quite a bit extreme. I had never even heard of people doing that until two friends of mine did it a couple years ago. I thought they were crazy. It’s definitely not in the Bible. After seeing them go through the process and get married, it finally clicked. In order for an overweight person to seriously accomplish their goal of losing weight, they need to stay away from the things that caused them to be overweight in the first place. That means saying no to donuts, avoid walking down the ice cream aisle, and staying far away from fast food. Is it possible to still lose weight without doing that? Yes, but the possibility of losing weight is lower. The same applies with kissing. Can you kiss as a couple without having sex? Of course, but the possibility of having sex is gonna be higher. Kissing leads to sex. As much as we wanna do it, we would rather not take that risk. Other couples might be stronger in this area though. I know myself too well—I'm weak. 

I know all this stuff sounds outrageous. I’m not forcing this on anybody. It’s definitely possible to have a successful marriage and not do any of these things in the dating stage. It just isn’t the way I would recommend. If you have had a lot of failed relationships, I would give this a try. What’s the worst that can happen?

Has it been easy? Heck no! Just about every time I see my girl I wanna give her the tongue action. I am starting to see the benefits though. Our communication in our relationship is on 100. We’re learning so much about each other, stuff that probably would’ve been hidden had we went about this relationship the normal way. I’m amazed we managed to last this long. I honestly had doubts I could last a week. It’s only been possible through the hands of God. As long as you keep him at the center, I'm positive he'll give you the strength to make it through.